I should be honest with myself and you, dear reader, and confess I have no idea when I will find the willpower to rewatch the rest of the episodes and sum them up. For now I will suffice it to once again stress that the protagonist Immelman can dance up his own ass and die and spoil the finest point in the remaining series when the Macbeth Delta (the shipmech itself) saves another ship with failing power by mechacocking it back to life.
So, taking a break from that to get back into stride of writing I will in this article be reviewing that plagueish fever taking the world by storm, Pokemon GO.
Ostensibly you'll want to collect all the kinds of pokemon, but unless you happen to be wealthy enough to take a world tour you might as well kill that dream right now as right now only 142 or so are theoretically acquirable in whatever region you happen to be in.
It's possible, technically, very much like winning the lottery only nowhere near as useful.
Anyhow, the game is played by wandering around aimlessly using a just-shy-of-utterly-broken Pokemon Radar to find select pokemon. When a pokemon appears, you will attempt to smack it with your balls in the hopes they will be stuffed within- though they may bust out of your balls several times and ultimately escape.
This sad possibility can be minimized with bribing the pokemon with sweets (Razz-Berries), bonking it with better balls and hitting it with fancy throws.
Once captured you will take along with the pokemon a measure of stardust and a species specific 'candy', the pokemon's lunch.
The stardust, in combination with the 'candy' can be used to power up the pokemon, but this is not something you will rationally want to do until level 30 or so- the level at which you are capable of seeing and thus capturing the most powerful of the wild pokemon.
So, until that point resign yourself to the fact that nigh everything you catch that isn't the sole example of the species that you have is doomed to be transferred.
Don't get too attached.
Besides, for every pokemon you send Willow he will send back a peice of 'candy' of that Pokespecies which will be handy as you gain experience by evolving the other pokemon not yet sent for threshing.
Eventually you must pick a Poketeam for Pokebattles at the Pokegym- your only hope for getting Pokecoins without paying real money.
Mystic Blue is generally the larger team, Valor Red is the second largest and Instinct Yellow is technically competing.
All teams are just fine, I myself wanted to join Mystic as they seemed the most likely to realize the threat of Pokerevolt but ultimately joined Valor because I wanted better odds of swiping gyms without having to compete with my own team. (I also have a limited contrarian streak that compels me to avoid joining the largest team.)
This is good as it's the sole way of earning PokeCoins without having to pay real money for them, but Pokemon GO is cagey as hell about how to do this. What they don't tell you, for example, is that if you take a gym and don't cash out and claim your PokeCoins before the gym is taken again by another team- you lose them. They also don't really mention the how to cash out, which is by hitting a shield button in the top right corner of the PokeStore.
You can only cash out every 20 hours, but you probably will want to do it immediately when most gyms in an urban area change hands faster than Instinct Team Leader Spark changes his diaper- and he's well-practiced.
All said though, despite a hideously broken radar which doesn't help you find anything(which the savvy player has for the time being replaced with Pokevision) the game is great fun and is a fine way to get your battery drained while in countries that do not offer unlimited internet usage by smart phones- grow a nice fat bill.
But at least you'll be slimming down personally.
THINGS POKEMON GO DOES NOT WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT :
Just note that you are not going to become the best like no one ever was. Indeed, in this game you are not going to be a Pokemon Master but more like a Fantasy Dog Catcher that takes great glee in marking off breeds they catch for the first time. One of the many things you are pointedly not supposed to think about in Pokemon Go especially is what becomes of Pokemon you transfer to Professor Willow, or what Pokemon Candy is made out of.
Well, Pokemon Candy is made of Pokemon. It even says so on the tin. For example, 'Pidgey Candy'.
Why then is it that you find candy on Pokemon you find?
It's being distributed to them as food.
Where is it coming from?
The Candy Threshers of Professor Willow. Really, what the hell did you think he was going to or even COULD do with 30 million zubats, Pidgeys, Rattatatta etc.
WHY?!
Because in Pokemon GO you are helping keep an ever-burgeoning Pokemon tide manageable. How many pokemon must there be when so many people are drowning in Pidgeys despite so many players? This is a world on the verge of environmental collapse, clearly.
Fortunately Professor Willow has found a solution in Pokecannibalism, Trainers, and his Candy Threshers. You send him all of the pokemon you can't be arsed to power up, he turns them into 'candy', has the rest dispersed among the Pokepopulations to deter them from preying on Humans and likely collects a fat check from the government for holding back the Pokepocalypse.
Sure, it may sound gruesome, but if the Pokemon aren't fed and turn on Humanity....
Additionally as a refresher for the old players, the intrepid Lemon Demon has seen fit to re-record the Pokemon Rap. A Pro-click.
Finally, Don't Be These People.
 |
| The entire thing is basically a benevolent HumpBot. |
It's possible, technically, very much like winning the lottery only nowhere near as useful.
Anyhow, the game is played by wandering around aimlessly using a just-shy-of-utterly-broken Pokemon Radar to find select pokemon. When a pokemon appears, you will attempt to smack it with your balls in the hopes they will be stuffed within- though they may bust out of your balls several times and ultimately escape.
This sad possibility can be minimized with bribing the pokemon with sweets (Razz-Berries), bonking it with better balls and hitting it with fancy throws.
Once captured you will take along with the pokemon a measure of stardust and a species specific 'candy', the pokemon's lunch.
The stardust, in combination with the 'candy' can be used to power up the pokemon, but this is not something you will rationally want to do until level 30 or so- the level at which you are capable of seeing and thus capturing the most powerful of the wild pokemon.
So, until that point resign yourself to the fact that nigh everything you catch that isn't the sole example of the species that you have is doomed to be transferred.
Don't get too attached.
 |
| This one, however, shall live. |
Besides, for every pokemon you send Willow he will send back a peice of 'candy' of that Pokespecies which will be handy as you gain experience by evolving the other pokemon not yet sent for threshing.
Eventually you must pick a Poketeam for Pokebattles at the Pokegym- your only hope for getting Pokecoins without paying real money.
Mystic Blue is generally the larger team, Valor Red is the second largest and Instinct Yellow is technically competing.
 |
| "Hi! I'm Candela, I recognize Pokemon are superior beings worthy of being our Overlords!" "I'm Blanche, it doesn't really matter what I say as studies show most of you will choose my team just because it's blue." "HELLO I AM INSTINCT, SPARK GOOD!" |
All teams are just fine, I myself wanted to join Mystic as they seemed the most likely to realize the threat of Pokerevolt but ultimately joined Valor because I wanted better odds of swiping gyms without having to compete with my own team. (I also have a limited contrarian streak that compels me to avoid joining the largest team.)
This is good as it's the sole way of earning PokeCoins without having to pay real money for them, but Pokemon GO is cagey as hell about how to do this. What they don't tell you, for example, is that if you take a gym and don't cash out and claim your PokeCoins before the gym is taken again by another team- you lose them. They also don't really mention the how to cash out, which is by hitting a shield button in the top right corner of the PokeStore.
You can only cash out every 20 hours, but you probably will want to do it immediately when most gyms in an urban area change hands faster than Instinct Team Leader Spark changes his diaper- and he's well-practiced.
All said though, despite a hideously broken radar which doesn't help you find anything(which the savvy player has for the time being replaced with Pokevision) the game is great fun and is a fine way to get your battery drained while in countries that do not offer unlimited internet usage by smart phones- grow a nice fat bill.
But at least you'll be slimming down personally.
THINGS POKEMON GO DOES NOT WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT :
Just note that you are not going to become the best like no one ever was. Indeed, in this game you are not going to be a Pokemon Master but more like a Fantasy Dog Catcher that takes great glee in marking off breeds they catch for the first time. One of the many things you are pointedly not supposed to think about in Pokemon Go especially is what becomes of Pokemon you transfer to Professor Willow, or what Pokemon Candy is made out of.
Well, Pokemon Candy is made of Pokemon. It even says so on the tin. For example, 'Pidgey Candy'.
Why then is it that you find candy on Pokemon you find?
It's being distributed to them as food.
Where is it coming from?
The Candy Threshers of Professor Willow. Really, what the hell did you think he was going to or even COULD do with 30 million zubats, Pidgeys, Rattatatta etc.
WHY?!
Because in Pokemon GO you are helping keep an ever-burgeoning Pokemon tide manageable. How many pokemon must there be when so many people are drowning in Pidgeys despite so many players? This is a world on the verge of environmental collapse, clearly.
Fortunately Professor Willow has found a solution in Pokecannibalism, Trainers, and his Candy Threshers. You send him all of the pokemon you can't be arsed to power up, he turns them into 'candy', has the rest dispersed among the Pokepopulations to deter them from preying on Humans and likely collects a fat check from the government for holding back the Pokepocalypse.
Sure, it may sound gruesome, but if the Pokemon aren't fed and turn on Humanity....
We can't afford to take that risk.
Additionally as a refresher for the old players, the intrepid Lemon Demon has seen fit to re-record the Pokemon Rap. A Pro-click.
Finally, Don't Be These People.
