Kabaneri of the Iron Fortress : Kabanes of my Good Will

       
What if I told you there was a series in which a Feudal psuedo-Japan came under assault by a zombie apocalypse, which was answered with a renaissance in steampunk technology to fortify settlements and link them via a network of railways plied by armed and armored trains?

Because that was what I was told. If you aren't sick of the concept of zombie apocalypses, then it's hardly unappealing. I in particular have a weakness for steampunk technology in fiction.

This series follows the adventures of Granny Glasses.

He is the Smartest Man in His World and please understand this is the soul of damning with faint praise.

You see the natives of this world have developed the railway system and novelty goggles but can't quite figure out how to kill the dreaded Kabane (Not-Zombies- more on them shortly) reliably and can't really be arsed to work at the problem. Far too busy with the mundane tasks of shitting themselves with fear and keeping a boot on the throats of the peasants.

Glasses, though, understands this is a losing strategy and in his spare time works on a hideously inefficient new way to kill the Kabane.

But what are Kabane? 

"I need you to sign for a package, ma'am."

Kabane are formerly human individuals bitten and thus infected with a magical virus that turns them into glittery not-zombies which are compelled to kill or infect the uninfected. For seemingly no rational reason whatsoever the disease encases an infected individual's heart in iron. This detail should have been a warning sign for me, but I didn't take it to heart at the time.

For some reason it is of paramount importance these iron cages and the hearts within be pierced, even though it is demonstrated that decapitation at the very least renders them immobile and thus disposable-at-leisure.

Why they so rarely attempt to decapitate Kabane remains, at this time, entirely unexplained. Many people in the meantime however have gotten themselves killed or nearly killed continuing to attack the single best defended point on a Kabane.

Sort of like refusing to shoot a bulletproof-bikini-wearing assailant anywhere but the tits or crotch.

Anyhow, Glasses is one of the precious few people who seem to think having ineffectual weapons against this threat is somehow a bad idea and spends his spare time developing a new weapon that can pierce the Kabane heart-cage. At point blank, making it somewhat more idiotic than attempting decapitation with a sword. But hey, at least his heart is in the right place. His mind isn't, but his heart is.

Unfortunately for him, he gets busted collecting ghoul-bits for his weapon tests and thus put in jail. Fortunately he breaks out of prison while his home town gets overrun with not-zombies allowing him to run home and grab his experimental weapon for a field test.

It works and he kills an attacking Kabane while of course getting bitten, because he had to let it all but climb up his nose to land a hit.

Whoopsie.

Things are looking grim for Glasses but unnanouncedly it turns out he has a theoretical cure for Kabane infection! Which you would think might be more important than his other projects, but perhaps he was too ashamed to tell people what the theoretical cure is. With good reason! Here, let me walk you through it.

It's the only functional one after all, if marginally.

Step One   :  Strap Searing-Hot Metal Against the Infected Area.

Step Two   : Bolt That Crap in Place.

Step Three : Hang Yourself.

This works.

It may take awhile.

Now, this all takes place in the first episode. Indeed, this just sets the stage and while I personally found it rather silly I was gently compelled to follow through on the next few episodes wherein it turns out Glasses' efforts have not cured him but made him a Kabaneri. Which means he's faster, stronger and more durable than your average human being and only in any danger of becoming a mindless beast when hungry.

What does he eat now, you ask? Blood. This is, eventually, explained to him by Ninja Girl who is also a Kabaneri and goes on to prove she is an insufferable twit with a death-wish, abandonment issues and a chip on her shoulder significantly larger than she is.

But let's get back to that curious dietary requirement, for it's the point at which I stopped caring about the well-being of any characters in this series. The implied premise was that this was a fuedal japanese steampunkish zombie apocalypse- but that was a deception.

These ain't zombies. These are damnable vampires and Glasses is just the latest breed of edgy 'good' or half-vampire. This is sheer bias on my part, mind. I am aware of this. I just have a deep-set overwhelming hatred of vampires as anything other than something to be purged even from fictional existence.

Chalk it up to living through the edgy dark romantic era of Ann Rice's peak popularity when every last pancake-makeup-faced goofball dreamed of being the edgy edgelord that was the vampire Lestat.

So, burn them all lest they spread.

On a technical level this series is gorgeous, unfortunately the setting is largely ruined by some of the dumbest fictional mouthbreathers seen in modern fiction.

If you lack my bias against vampires and are content with watching suprisingly humanoid amoebas flail through a vambie apocalypse, this is an excellent series for you. If you like zombie apocalypses and/or steampunk you will primarily find yourself mentally screaming "SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD YOU GOBSHITES!"

If you are one of the latter, I will advise against drinking at all as you seem rather angry.

For the rest of you, get as close to alcohol blood poisoning as you dare. Me? Should I watch it, I watch it out of spite. I maintain a hope that in traditional melodramatic style something will threaten to destroy the world... and then succeed.